PHIL! By: RP Momsen
A very funny science fiction adventure that will change the way you look at life, the universe and why we're all here.
Billions of years ago, our universe was born. Not really that terribly exciting for most life forms except of course yourselves… and, well, Phil. The poor bastard who’s had to watch over all you people the last billion or so years.
Well, finally after years of listening to all your griping, bitching and whining, always with some imaginary being getting all the credit, he’s finally had it! Phil has decided to explain what the world is, why you’re here and how you can evolve finally into a species worth talking about at parties.
In this hilarious actual account, Phil takes two unwitting Physicists on the adventure of their lives, which isn’t saying much for a couple of physicists, and shows them what life, the universe and lovely little corner pubs really is all about. They’re transported to other dimensions to meet their better looking selves, get taken prisoner by an evil but very good looking race, fly through black holes and help the creation of a new planet all while their greatest challenge hangs in the balance, saving earth from the most evil, and best dressed, species the universe has ever seen.
Will they save earth? Has all the years of hard work Phil has done creating you beings be lost? Does any of this really matter?
Excerpt:Ping.
Ping.
“You gonna answer that?”
Delphinia slurred. Typically an attractive female colleague, except now she had
half a glass of Pan Universal Kumquat Juice down her front, and somehow an
equal amount sprayed randomly throughout her hair. We were all drunk—she was
winning.
“Just another idiotic
human with some whiny ‘I can’t do anything for myself’ question.” “Are they
still making you do that? Didn’t you create some god chat line for them to look
up on their own?” asked Braithwaight, a much larger and uglier version of
myself who had the unusual characteristic of having the largest nostrils in the
universe. You wouldn't know them as nostrils, of course, given that their size
and look is of one of your outhouses, massively uneven, bright orange and
dripping with something I'd rather not discuss.
“Ya, but they seem to be
using it mostly for porn and watching other humans or animals doing idiotic
stuff, which is even stranger when you realize that the average human does 4.8
stupid things per week; you would think watching each other in real time would
keep them amused enough,” I replied. Braithwaight was correct, after all—a
number of years ago, I had instructed humans to create something called God Gab
to answer all their questions and, hopefully, quit bothering me. As usual, they
misunderstood, called it Google, and continued to harass me anyway.
“Slow... what dey say?”
Delphinia slurred, spitting Pan Universal Kumquat Juice over both of us, which
as it turned out was actually rather tasty; I decided to order one next despite
it being a bit of a girly drink.
-->
“Dear Lord.” (Dear Phil,
it should have actually read.) Please give me strength in dealing with my two
kids; I’m always so tired, they stay awake for hours on end, I seem to be the
only one in the house able to nap, they eat all my food, hide my weed and are
even messier than my 3 ex husbands. I can’t keep doing it. What should I do?”
Exclusive to Amazon
R.P. Momsen was lucky enough to meet Phil in a very lovely but rather smelly pub a few years ago. After listening to the most amazing story of his life, and a half dozen pints, Rick agreed to bring Phil’s story to the world and finally get Phil a vacation. Through an arduous process over the next couple years of intense notes, grand philosophical debates, lengthy trips through multiple universes and numerous beers this masterpiece of answers was named Phil and finally released. A great friendship has been created and Rick has agreed to continue to write the real truth about everything, why it’s kind of a good thing to know and what humankind could do to be invited to the really cool parties.
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